I know, I don't tend to write about stuff like that. That is because it is hard for me to do - maybe because I'm white, maybe because I tend to the introverted side, maybe because my growth was stunted by eating too much ketchup as a kid. Oh well.
So here's what I've been thinking about. My mom complains a lot about me as a baby, and I now know it's because I was spirited, or at least spunky. I was sensitive, perceptive, had the first reaction thing, and (the real problem) was irregular. (Which meant I never slept.) My mom was so frazzled she apparently prayed daily for a baby that was calm and slept. She got my brother who was so fat and happy that he never moved or spoke.
So here I sit with weird and frightening children and I'm worried that if I get one more Kyra or Xander that I'll be finished. (I don't mean finished with having children, I mean like actually dead.) My mom has only sparing sympathy because she asks, "Did you pray for a calm one? I prayed for a calm one every day!" And what can I say? Nothing. Because I didn't pray for a calm one. And even now I can't pray for a calm one. I am seriously stuck on healthy and whole, in body and mind.
Here are my internal ruminations...can I not pray for calm as well because I have some finite idea of God's generosity, or some concept that if I put all my prayful energy into healthy and whole that I'll be sure of at least that? Can I not add calm to my list because of the experiences I've had and how that has rearranged my priorities...that I'd by lying to myself if I tried to rank calm as high as alive and not disabled? Or can I not ask for calm because I'm constrained - because God knows he won't be saying yes and he's saving me the trouble?
I'd really not like thinking that I think that God is sparing in his blessings. But I don't want to seem greedy. Because here is the thing...I would have another baby no matter what it was. I would take another Kyra or another Xander, or another new make or model of my current monsters. I have friends who felt they were supposed to have another baby, but really couldn't face it. They would pray that they just couldn't do it until so-and-so was potty trained, or so-and-so could swim, or whatnot. And guess what? Those things they asked for would just fall into place and pave the way for another baby. Oh how I wish I could do that!!! Geez, what could I ask for...Xander to be on an even keel, with meds working day and night and me able to schedule and those I'm supposed to do for him...Kyra potty trained permanently or how about manageable (the horrid stinky monster butt!)...Scott's health issues resolved...reassurance that I won't be floored with depression afterwards...a house big enough for all of us...my degree finally finished...financial security... BUT I CAN'T!!! I know - and I know He knows - that I don't care enough about any of those things enough to let them stop me. And I can't pray a lie!
What kind of masochistic certifiable maniac am I? Sorry, stupid question. I guess here's the thing - I know we are doing the right thing and I know everything will work out. I just don't know how to get from here to there and I don't know what I'll look like at the end. (I'm picturing a trashed car in the junk yard waiting in line for one of those crushing machines to turn it into a cube.) It stinks to be so stubborn.
Happy happy thoughts. (The sarcasm comes out through the words, right? I'd hate to think I'm wasting my efforts...)
Note: I am not pregnant. Don't ask me if I'm pregnant! If I had a dollar.... (Can't I indulge in some forethought?)